December, AGAIN.

It’s the same time of the year, the same memories come flowing back, but it’s a different feeling. I hate December, I hate Christmas eversince exactly 3 years back, the same day, the same time.
However, this year, thinking about those just allowed regrets to gulp me.

But then again, without that pain, I will never fall and I will not be a stronger person. Without that fall, I would not be where I am now and of course, I would not have found someone who always try to work things out with me.

Probably, it’s a blessing in disguise.

I thought that I lost my future because I fell.
But I didn’t, I took a long long time to bounce back, I lost my education but look where I am now? I am in Resorts World, at a management level.

I thought I will never love again.
But I didn’t, I took a long long time to bounce back, I lost confidence but look who I’ve got now? I’ve someone who loves me wholeheartedly and doesn’t even mind when I have unneccessary thoughts about him and other women, someone who supports me in every single way.

I thought I will forget.
But I didn’t, I took a long long time; till this very day. I thought I can forgive and forget, but as years pass, it’s affecting me, I have so much negative feelings. I thought being friends were good, but, the thought and the feelings just overwhelms me when I pass by every Christmas. I realised that I can’t forgive, I can’t forget.

Feelings seems to be feelings of hatred, sourness etc. This is just feelings just because I gave EVERYTHING. Thinking back, I feel like a fool, I feel like an idiot. But I must say, I remembered telling myself 3 years back that if I ever buy a RAOUL shirt for my love. He is mine to keep. Apparently, no matter how much plans I made to buy shirts, it never happens. Probably it’s fate.

And I finally did so in March 2009. 2 shirts for big boy’s birthday.

Sometimes, whenever I feel like randomly buying stuff for him, I will think so hard, about the money I’ve to spend and the savings I will have. Initially, having these thoughts make me hold back and I start questioning myself why. Is it because I do not love him that much? However, I’ve come to terms with it, I’ve learnt to be a thrifty person after meeting him. Something that I always fail to do.

This photo was a beautiful sunrise back in Dec 2006:

Never in my life I thought I would perceive a picture like this as a sunrise beause I love sunsets more.

But now, my perceptions have changed. This picture will always remain as a sunset.
I do not need to watch sunrise with my loved one. Because every morning, when I wake up looking at his face, that’s my sunrise.
I do not need to star gaze with my loved one. Because my star sings me to sleep and I must say, it’s the best voice that ever sing me to sleep.
I do not need kinder buenos, strawberries because he is my supply of the sweetest stuff on earth.

I know I deserve better and I am getting the best I can ever get now.